ehhhh

I only write this for myself, and maybe some day when blogs like this and the internet is out of date someone will runa cross it saved on the hard drive of an old computer and read what my bleeding heart wrote. I went to Walmart with Holly tonight and on the way home decided to take route 3 home and i was in the right lane about 1/4 mile from where i was supossed to turn, but right at that moment a white mach 1 mustang pulled up next to me and a guy who looked familiar yelled "wanna race?" i looked to the drivers seat and my heart dropped. It was Zack in his new mustang. Seing him screws me all up for days. It's just so hard to see him, it makes me remeber to much of a time I wish i could forget. It makes me remeber chasing him around the house and being chased back, it reminds me of him singing to me in the car, him dancing with me on friday nights, him tickling to me, him making dinner with me, him spending time with me, things all from a time that has long since passed, a time when he still loved me. That time passed and is nothing but a vivid memory now. A vivid memory that tears my heart to pieces each time it comes to mind which is just about every 5 minutes. I guess I still don't understand how you can spend 3 years with someone and then one day just stop loving them and move on with your life like it had never happened. I just don't get it. WHy is it that I get to sit each and every night with my heart in torment because he has moved on and I am still stuck here imaginging his blue eyes still in my life even though I have someone new. I have someone sleeping in the other room right now that loves me more than anything, and as much as I love him, i am not sur eit is enough to overcome my past and what still happens in my heart. When that white mustang pulled up next to me my heart fell all the way to my toes. When we stopped at wawa and he followed and he got out of that car and I got out of that car and we walked into the very place we originally met together it hurt so badly i started to shake. The hardest thing for me is that I don't even know that man anymore. I know nothing about him, i don't know how he sleeps, what he does in his free time, what he likes to drink, his favorite song, his favorite movie, how he reacts to things. I know none of it. All i know is that one day not to long ago I loved him with all the power I had in me, and he loved me back and when time were bad we would sit and cry together and when times were good we would sit and laugh together. Each and every day since that cold day nearly two years ago I have regretted leaving, but it is to late now. There is nothing left for me to do and nothing to be done. I will probably get a little older, move a few times, marry John, have babies and wonder where Zack is and if he ever thinks of me, but i know for sure i will never stop loving him like he did ot me. Never. It will be two years in November since we broke up, 2 years in january that we moved apart from each other. And it will be 4 years next month since we met. I can still recall every little piece of memory from that night, from the red collared shirt he was wearing to the color shoes and the smile. It's something I will never forget, no matter how much I wish i could.